A Note on Grief …

There comes a time in everyone’s life when we get a call or text about the loss of a loved one.

At first, it feels like a joke. Then the words “he/she is dead” sink into your mind, the pain piercing deep into your soul. You feel empty because it doesn’t make any sense that someone you saw or spoke to yesterday, a week, months is no more.

You reflect on the last memories of them. Sometimes you try to be strong, for those grieving like you. You lock in the tears and heartache. You manage to smile through the pain. There are simply no words that can eliminate how you feel. But one thing about grief is it comes and goes in waves. When everyone that came to comfort you is gone and the door is shut behind you, you realize all you have is the memories of your loved one, a part of you is surely gone. You feel the rage, pain, and hurt all over again, it’s like a blazing fire no one can put out.

I am one of those people that never gets moved my death. I have a principle to never get too attached to anything because people come and go. This is the reality; we all must face. It’s unfair, so I learn to guard my heart. But recently, I lost someone I love so much. He was my second father. His death broke my heart and made me realize two things: first, there is no right or wrong way to grief and second, all we really have of people are memories.

So, I asked myself, ‘how do you cope with a loss and most importantly, for the immediate family ‘what exactly do you say to comfort them’ because nothing can take away the aching sadness and until you experience loss, you can’t fully imagine the pain of a grieving soul.

To answer this, I asked a few friends who have shared similar experiences. It’s my hope that their words comfort someone out there.

A.D:

How did you get through the grief?

“At some point, I just focused on work and faced it squarely till I got tired and slept off. And immediately I wake up, It’s straight to work. That was my coping mechanism or else any chance I get I would start to think and process the pain.”

What did you wish people say or do during the grief period?

“I would rather people not say anything to me. In fact, just act like it never happened. Because the more you try to console or talk about it, the more it hits home. But I think nowadays, I really don’t feel much again unlike before when my uncle died. Now I just take everything in good faith and continue with life. I’ve concluded that life is fickle, so I live it like it is going to be my last. At least if I am going to die, let it be said I died on my feet fighting and striving to be a better person.”

P. M:

How did you get through the grief?

“Family, tears, and good memories.

I was mostly the one to make my family members smile or find a reason to laugh because I am stronger than most of them lol. But being around them made sense to me because we were going through the same thing, and they understood how I felt. We basically supported each other and used memories to pass time.

I cried a lot though. Like I crieddddd and I let it go because that helps a lot. Holding in emotions doesn’t help anyone so I could enter my room and cry till I couldn’t breathe, sleep, and wake up hungry and better.

All the memories were there so I focused solely on the good ones and the funny ones. Like one time, my brother made all of us roll up the windows because he saw his crush and didn’t want her to know the car didn’t have air conditioning. Lol, we were sweating our balls off. He bought us ice cream after lol.”

What did you wish people say or do during the grief period?

“Frankly, get my mind off it. People never know how to console and if you didn’t know who passed on to meet Jesus personally, don’t come and be sad beside me. I need positive energy cause when you go, I’ll go back to crying. I’d want you to say he was an amazing man and I know you’re going to miss him, and you’ll cry but just think of the good and focus on the fact that you had such an amazing human in your life. And that it might not seem like it, but everything is going to be fine. Also, I would want you to bring me my favorite food, play me my favorite shows and make me laugh. If I cry, just hold me.”

A.A.

How did you get through the grief?

“Grief is difficult for me to get through as it washes away every little joy or hopes I have left in me, but I constantly remind myself as a Muslim that we all are going to die, and nothing is permanent. The feeling of happiness is short so is sorrow. When I constantly remind myself of this, I feel better. Pain Is only for the living.”

What did you wish people say or do during the grief period?

“Knowing what to say during the grief period requires a lot of sincerity and wisdom. Sincerity for the genuineness and wisdom for knowing how to relay your words. Sometimes you need to let those grieving cry. Crying could go a long way in helping them rather than bottling up the emotion. A constant reminder that our prayers are the food for the dead and with that, we would meet hereafter and we’d all be together again.”

S.A:

How did you get through the grief?

“At first, I was emotional and mentally lost, and I hated that! One day, I said to myself that I couldn’t continue this way and I needed to get myself back. Thanks to my sisters and my close friends and family who stood by me. I felt really reassured around them. Most especially, God, this part wasn’t easy because I was mad and disappointed but nevertheless my prayers were intentional.”

What did you wish people say or do during the grief period?

“Words of affirmation. All I wanted them to hear was that she was in heaven, watching over us or in a better place. Also, praying for her and looking out for her loved ones. I hated the pity look (you can never tell if it was sincere or not) instead pray for me and checkup (it’s helped a lot and shows that you are not alone during this process.”

C.O

How did you get through the grief?

“At the point when it happened, I thought I was strong as a man. I couldn’t process the grief. I couldn’t express, I was forming boss being strong. At some point, even my sister told me to cry if I want to but then I said it’s not by force. This was when my mum died. The burial came and passed, still, it didn’t dawn on me not until I went back to school. I was with my girlfriend one day, I was talking to her and at the end of the day, I was seeing her as my mum. Then I started crying so much that I couldn’t control it. It was then I realized that the best thing I should have done was to let myself feel the pain of loss. I came to the realization that you will not see this person again especially when you need them to be. Then and only then can you actually let the pain flow and you will be free of it.”

F.A

How did you get through the grief?

“Whenever we find ourselves in a state of grief, it’s not easy to get over it. With my experience, for the past one year of losing my mum, I don’t think I had gotten a slight over it. It’s like getting sores on your body, how do I get through that?

It was a hard conquest; I will say I got over it with the help of God the comforter because a lot of people tried to comfort me, but it was all fruitless. After the help of the holy spirit, I would say my siblings also tried to make me happy.

It was not pleasant actually but I know that everything happened for a purpose so I concluded in my heart that God giveth and he taketh”

What did you wish people say or do during the grief period?

“My experience was actually the worst cause I thought I lost all, my hopes were dashed, it seems the end of the world has come but God helped me, my siblings did their best and my family showed me love.

Don’t let the state of grief take the best of you. Remember that health matters a lot especially your mental health therefore don’t harm yourself rather let the dead mourn their dead.”

End Note

Frankly, there is no time and no one to tell you how long you are supposed to grieve. I don’t think we will ever stop being sad, nor are we supposed to. So, smile at the time you spent with them because those are the memories that will live with you forever. Let them live again by telling stories of the times they made you cry of laughter, smile with the utmost happiness, and even rage with anger.

A writer once wrote on grief, “I guess that’s the beauty and uncertainty of being alive. It comes with the wonders that life has to offer, alongside the cruel and unfair experiences that are unavoidable.”

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